| conclusion i always seem to forget: sometimes
i think too much.
there are times that we can control what we want to do with our lives,
others in which simply time and time alone reveals the final choices
for us; caring does not necessarily require stressing out. i've been
overanalyzing myself too much lately... maybe this time i should sit
back and just wait.
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| it's been a long time since i've written, not since i first got back to
school and still had the shock value of what was jarringly different
about my life compared to when i was in copenhagen. studying abroad was
probably one of the most influential decisions i made in life because
it gave me a bigger perspective on the world, myself, and my
priorities. i realized how to be more independent and do things on my
own, that school and career were only a part of life, that spending
time with good company was essential for sanity, that slowing down from
the fast-paced life made a dramatic change in my esteem and happiness.
but it seems lately now that those life-changing lessons i learned have
vanished, and that i'm back where i started all over again, except now
only with a heightened instinct of urgency that there is something
imbalanced or missing in my life. six classes, a job, portfolio
editing, applying for internships, a culture show. a 50 page document due in two days. is that now-distant
carefree lifestyle just impossible in an ivy league environment?
friends get swept up in work, responsibilities, and stressing about
internships so much that it's hard not to get caught up in doing it
yourself. and forever it always boils down to this: isn't it worth it
to sacrifice your social life or free time for a little while just to
get ahead or secure something for the future? the problem being that a
little while sometimes ends up becoming long periods of time that you
lose yourself in. which of course, at some point to which everyone
replies "yes."
i'm currently at the crossroads of deciding between hong kong and nyc
for the summer: a not-so-practical 6-week hotel-design program in hong
kong or a step towards my future NYC corporate career working for an
architecture/interior design firm. i am sick of all the unnecessary
hype of landing an internship, but i am worried about the consequences
of going abroad for the summer if i don't plan to work in asia. when i
studied abroad, it was partly to escape cornell for a while....i wonder
now if am fleeing my problems again by leaving or simply wanderlust in
wanting to travel more. or whether i would like an internship but am
just resenting the whole application process and stress that has
transformed everyone around me.
i hope things will fall into place soon. i miss the familiarity of
home. the spontaneity of doing random things. the feeling of being in
love. the warmth of the sun on my back tanning on the beach. the
conversations of randomness that avoid all talk of the future. the
feeling of invincibility.
i'm on the verge of snapping.
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